the perks of being a passion fruit #3

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Everyone knows being a passion fruit isn’t easy, I’ve said it once or twice and I’ll keep on saying it cause lately it’s becoming even more difficult. No, this time along there’s no big event, I mean, there was one i could actually talk about, but this time I’m here to talk about generalities you know.. Life hasn’t been properly easy these last couple of months, there’s been a lot going on and frankly i’m starting to get tired of it all. I’ve been standing straight up on my feet, or my heels depending, been carrying my life, one day at a time and I’m quite satisfied I’ve not yet lost all my patience for everything. And that’s exactly why I’m here today, writing, just writing, letting my fingers take care of what my voice can’t say, you see, it’s always been easier for me to let things out with written words, for some reason every time I try to solve things by simply speaking I end up ruining everything. In fact i recall writing memos not to ruin an argument with people I really care about.

Honestly I think that’s what I’ve been missing, writing things to make them easier, lately seems like my temper is always ready to go up on fire, I’ve been arguing non stop with everyone, I don’t know what’s going on, well actually I have a clue, but these last months I’ve kind of lost myself and worst, I think I may have lost some friendships as well. I’ve been building up on things and as much as I try to be cool with everything and everyone I simply can’t. No one actually understands what I’ve been and what I’m still going through, and here is where my biggest flaw works its best, I’m a bit stubborn you know, growing up I’ve haven’t exactly always had people there for me so I guess I learned to be by myself and solve things alone even when it was/is impossible. And now I don’t know how to make it different, lets just say I was sick by the end of last summer, but before I actually started to take things seriously it took me about three months to ask for real help, I thought I could work things out but I couldn’t and that made me lost a big part of my life, the fact that I didn’t search for help when I should’ve. Obviously I have regrets on that, I lost so many things and so many important people and looking back there’s a part of me that thinks if only I’ve reached out early none of that would’ve happen and I’d still have my ‘perfect’ life… But at the same time the other part of me sees that there wasn’t any other way around and things happen when they have to. If only I would’ve spoken to anyone sooner, I don’t know, there’ll always be plenty of ‘what ifs’ in my life regarding to that. I actually got the help I needed and ended up solving things, it’s still a work in progress and the talking part is like that as well. Even though I’ve been through hell alone I still can’t rely on people, for some reason I stopped trusting who ever, sometimes it just looks simpler to swallow things and let them be just for me. Truth is that got me nowhere, in fact it brought me here, to this blank page where I actually feel comfortable speaking about everything even though I’d rather keep it reserved.

Here’s is the deal, I’ve overcome a lot and I’m honestly surprised with myself, never actually thought I had within me what it takes to get through things. It took me about eight months and a lot of money to get better and when i finally thought I was out of risk something came out, and something more after that, and instead of going away the stress just build up more and more. I’ve been trying to deal with everything but it’s getting harder at each day and frankly I’m loosing it again and what scares me the most is that for the first time in my life I have no plans and no clue on what the fuck I’m gonna do. Everything seems to be falling apart again and instead of getting my shit together all I see is my entire future collapsing and drowning right in front of me and I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared, as hell! I’ve again seem to lost purpose of things, in fact there’s a lot of things I’ve lost again and I can’t seem to find a way to get back on track, even my writing doesn’t make any sense to me, I edited a fucking book and now it’s like I forgot how to even write a sentence. And don’t take me wrong, I’m not here whining about things, I have perfect sense we all have problems and stuff to deal with I just really needed to get things out.

You see, I lost confidence and trust on most of people when I was dealing with whatever, I also lost faith and stopped believing in things as true happiness or even love, I know it may sound nonsense but the truth is it wasn’t worth it, none of that was. People told me I wasn’t gonna be blue all the time and that God had a bigger plan for me, He just likes to make us battle for what we are. Well, I admit that there was a time during recovery I gave that option a go, at an instance something happened that made me think it was possible to get back on trusting people and believing in happiness, so I did that, I gave it a go, I thought whatever lets try it and opened up myself like I never thought I would again after everything. It didn’t go as I expected, I burst into a big wall once again, a number of problems followed and I’m stuck again. I mean, God, I understand we have to fight for what we want and I even understand that saying about You giving Your worst battles to Your best warriors, but hey, I ain’t no rambo so… I’d really appreciate some peace in my life, just to change a bit You know, it doesn’t have to last forever, but at least make it last till I’m better…

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